Teenagers and Sex

Through adolescence, your child is becoming a sexual adult. Accepting this is difficult for many parents, but sex and relationships are an important part of young people’s lives.

Talking about sex is difficult for many parents, especially if your background or culture does not encourage openness about sex, and it’s normal to feel awkward or embarrassed. However, there are many reasons why is important to discuss sex with your teenager:

Children will learn about sex whether you tell them or not. But if they don’t learn about it from you, they will turn to friends or the media where they may receive inaccurate or misleading information.

If you don’t talk about sex, or you avoid answering questions, your teenager may come to believe that sex is frightening or bad. They may also find it difficult to approach you about other issues they find worrying or confusing.

There are many pressures on young people to become sexually active. You may be able to help your teenager resist some of these pressures if you explain that, despite what the teenage magazines say, or TV programs seem to imply, sex is not compulsory and not everyone is doing it.

Talking to your teenager about sex will not encourage him to try it sooner. In fact, studies have shown that teenagers whose parents talk frankly about sex wait until they are older before they start having sex. And when they do have sex for the first time, they are more likely to use contraceptives.

Good sex education can reduce the rate of teenage pregnancy and lower the rate of sexually transmitted infections.

While most young people have sex education at school, many of them say it is too little, too late and too biological. They want to know more about relationships and how to manage feelings. As a parent, you can discuss these things at a time which is right for your teenager. Talk about the emotions as well as the physical process, and explain your own beliefs and values. The less embarrassed and ambivalent you can be, the better.

If your teenager doesn’t ask questions, use opportunities such as TV programs to raise the topic - ask what they think about a particular incident. It’s easier to have these sort of conversations over a few months so that you can go at your teenager’s pace, rather than try to have one big talk that covers everything.

Accepting your teenager’s sexuality. Teenagers gradually explore their sexuality. They realize that sex isn’t just for making babies, and start becoming interested in it for pleasure and to satisfy their curiosity. The first boy-girl relationships generally occur in the context of a group of friends around the age of 13 or 14.

Giving your teenager information and guidance will lead to them taking a more, not less responsible attitude to sex, and gives you an opportunity to emphasize the importance of commitment and trust.

During their teenage years, young people may find that they are not attracted to the opposite sex. While this can be a difficult area for discussion with parents, you can help by showing you are tolerant of different sexual orientations. There are also support organizations listed below that can help the whole family through this time.

If your teenager is sexually active, be available when they want to talk but don’t pry: sex is a private matter - after all, you wouldn’t want to tell your teenager all about your sex life.

While you need to accept that sex may well be part of your teenager’s life, you can help by giving them the confidence to resist pressure and say no if they don’t feel ready for sex. While around a third of girls are sexually active by the age of 16, most of them say, with hindsight, that they wish they had waited. Reassure them that it’s okay to say no and that there’s no reason to rush to lose their virginity - even if all their friends say they have. Girls need to know how to respond if a boy says, "If you really loved me, you’d do it," or "Everyone else is doing it, so..." Boys need to be told that they should accept that if someone says no, they mean no.

If your teenager asks whether you think he should have sex, he probably wants you to say no on his behalf. A teenager who feels ready for sex isn’t likely to ask for permission.

Some first sexual experiences take place under the influence of alcohol and you need to educate your teenager about these dangers.

It is important that young people are made aware of the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Talk to your teenager about contraception and safe sex long before he or she becomes sexually active - half of girls use no contraception the first time they have sex. Teenagers are at high risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection, even with just one act of unprotected sex. While traditionally mothers talk to their daughters and fathers talk to their sons about contraceptives, it may be valuable to do it the other way round. You are showing your teenager that this discussion can take place between the sexes - something they will have to do themselves when they talk with their partner about putting on a condom, for example. Talking about contraception is not permission to become sexually active. Your teen can know the difference.

Teenagers may not want to admit that they don’t know things. If your teenager says they know all about contraception, ask them what they know and then fill in the gaps. Many teenagers still believe myths such as you can’t get pregnant the first time, or if you do it standing up. By talking about safe sex, you can give your teenager the information and confidence both to cope with peer pressure and to avoid risk-taking behavior.

You will want your teenager to know about both barrier methods of contraception like condoms which protect against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted diseases, as well as methods like the Pill

Also let your teenager know who they can talk to about safe sex if they don’t want to talk to you about it - it might be a grandparent, aunt, family doctor, or services like Planned Parenthood.

For more Information

www.plannedparenthood.org (abstinence and contraceptives information)

www.teensource.org (abstinence and contraceptives information)